Anonymous Lampworker

2003-06-06T18:31:00.000-04:00

Seems todays entries aren't showing up on the main page. Not sure why.

2003-06-06T14:35:00.000-04:00

I will write more updates later.

2003-06-06T14:32:00.000-04:00

It has been a long long time since I posted to my blog. 9 months. A lot has happened in 9 months. A lot hasn't happened in 9 months.

2002-08-03T18:56:00.000-04:00

Today has been a good glass day.

Time for a little venting before husband gets home from work.

Some artists get on my nerves. I guess it is a common thing. Thank goodness it doesn't bother me like it used to. I used to let these boorish idiots really get to me and upset me for days but now, when I read something stupid they say, I think what an idiot and then leave it at that. That way it doesn't rub off on me and affect my focus.

Like artists that have marginal talent but somehow they become semi famous because they are blowhards.

Then there is the new person who suddenly thinks they know everything. Usually they are the sneaky ones with their subtle digs and smarmy comments. Like all of a sudden they make the rules for the art now and if you don't fit into their tiny square box, you aren't a real artist! LOL!

Occasionally I have people writing me out of the blue. Sometimes people I have seen online a lot but they never bother speaking to me until I have some hot thing I am doing. Then they come out of the woodwork and ask me for play by play details on how to do my special thing. Then when I don't tell them they get a damn nasty attitude. They say well when someone asks me how to do something I always tell them. I say that is because nothing you do is special! ha ha ha Just kidding. I say F them. If they want to learn it, they can pay. I paid for expensive courses to learn what I do so why should I pay out the wazoo and give it away to a bunch of leeches for free? Yeah, that IS how it is.

So I find that in the art world or pretty much anywhere where there is competition, I just keep to myself. That way I avoid the hangers on and wannabees. Sure there are copycats. These people don't have any creative ideas and never will. They may have good technique but they do the same thing over and over that everyone else does and it is boring as hell. I say go for it. Do your boring ass thing over there and I will do my creative thing over here.

2002-08-02T09:26:00.000-04:00

Other Art

I found a couple of drawing books that I have had a long time and never finished. Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain and Complete Drawing Book. Got some paper and a few pencils but haven't gotten started yet. I am thinking about taking some art classes. Painting and Drawing. I think it would be a fun change from my glass art and also would probably help my glass art.

I have been getting requests from people to do custom glass pieces and frankly I just don't want to. I don't want to be under the pressure to produce something for someone else. I just like to make whatever I feel like making that day and then sell it. I get plenty of sales working this way.

Then there are people who are looking for something for nothing. If they want cheap mass produced glass, they can shop at Wal Mart for it. LOL! It is just insulting. I do think I deserve a fair amount for my time and artistic skills.

2002-08-02T09:17:00.000-04:00

Today I am going to get passport pictures taken. Then next week go apply for a passport. I am saving to go to some places that I have always wanted to go to.

I have been foolishly sitting around here waiting on husband to get the bright idea of going to Europe or somewhere and the truth is, he hates to travel. He just flat out doesn't want to go anywhere. So, if I want to go, I have to go by myself.

I sometimes look at travelogues on the web and see couple visiting places together and having fun. It makes me sad when I see it.

Of course, there are many travelogues of people who go by themselves and I am sure they had just as much fun if not more!

So I started a savings account for my trips and now will take the first step to going by getting a passport.

2002-08-02T09:12:00.000-04:00

For some unknown reason, I think the Feng Shui might actually be working! I am a fairly skeptical person too!

We didn't go camping at all. Wasn't disappointed because I wasn't counting on going.

Been having fun with my new printer too! Have been making some family photos to hang on the wall and some digital type art to hang up. It really does brighten the place up to have pictures hanging on the walls!

I have a poster in the planning stage. It will have my best glass art pieces on it and then my studio name and my name. Like an artist postcard type thing, but in poster size! I will have to take the digital file and have it printed somewhere that can make posters. Anyway, it will be really fun! It is fun to have other's artwork on the walls but extra special to have your own artwork hanging on you walls.

2002-08-02T09:06:00.000-04:00

Look like I just accidently bolded my blog! LOL! Oh well.

Feng Shui

I bought a book about Feng Shui a few weeks ago and have been working through each room of the house. I am finding it fun to decorate the house. We never decorate anywhere we live. Just a bunch of junk laying around. I cleaned up a bunch of junk too. It is goin to take several weeks to get this house decluttered but I figure if I work a little on it each day, it will get cleaned.

I don't like to clean anyway so this is a big accomplishment for me. =)

2002-08-02T09:02:00.000-04:00

Hard to believe it is August here already and that the year is way more than half over already. Also hard to believe that the one year anniversary of 9/11 is almost here.

Things have been going pretty good. Been getting a lot of glass items made. It has been very hot and humid here. In the 90s every day and very high humidity. I have the air conditioner on while I work but sitting right behind a very hot torch and right next to a kiln of 1000 degrees makes in extra hot. I may take the temperature in my studio today after I have worked for an hour or two and see how hot it really gets in here.

2002-07-25T14:48:00.000-04:00

I am also beginning to think that if I really did walk out and never come back that would be the ultimate for me. I have left before and came back with my tail tucked between my legs when I ran out of money or lost my job and couldn't find another one. What would it mean to say I am leaving and not coming back ever regardless of what happens. To not go back if I ran out of money or lost a job. What would that mean? Maybe that I burned my bridge and that is that? I have a really hard time asking people for anything. I guess before when I ran out of money I could have swallowed my pride and asked for help. I imagine there are government programs and other social programs that will give help. Maybe I could make a list of programs and what help they offer just incase something happens when I do leave. I mean I swallowd my pride and stayed at a domestic violence shelter and it wasn't too bad. I think I will do that. Research what is available.

Work, oh boy work. I guess I am going to just have to suck it up and get a clerical job of some sort. It is funny that I hate clerical work so much but I am really really good at it. LOL! My bosses usually love me but I usually hate the job. I wonder if I can learn to like it or at least pretend to like it?

At least I DO have some job skills. I can type well and know most of the office software. Plus, once I am away I could think about what kind of job I would really be interested in and get training for that.

Ok just some thoughts about leaving for today. Of course, all comments are welcome.

2002-07-25T14:38:00.000-04:00

Here is is Thursday. I am mildly irritated today. What else is new? I tried to make a few glass things and nothing seemed to work. I hate days like this when you just keep melting the glass and it just turns into a horrible blob.

Yesterday I treated myself! Whee! It sure felt good to buy something for myself! I bought myself a new fast printer! I love it! I am sitting here looking at it right now. :-)

Husband decided we could go camping but then he started bitching at me when he got home from work yesterday. He had broken somethin on the riding mower while he was driving it around drunk and now he can't find a part for it. So he gets something else and it trying to fix it and I guess it isn't working well so I come out in the garage and he takes it out on me! Lucky me!
He says we can go camping but then he starts firing off orders on all the things I have to do before we can go. I hate that. There are always always strings attached with him. He can't ever just do something to be nice or just for fun.

I am feeling so very angry today. I feel so foolish for staying here in a marriage where i am miserable. I get so angry at him and then i get mostly angry at myself.
Today I am asking myself. Why don't I just walk out? Why? What is stopping me from just walking out of here and never coming back? It is not like I have anything. It is not like I have anything to lose by leaving. I really don't. As I have said before, we have accumulated nothing in the years we have been married.

This makes me even more angry because I guess back then, i could have had my choice of men and I picked this idiot. I could have picked someone who at least had some brains and some initiative to build a futue together instead of picking someone who is dumb and who always has to win no matter who it hurts. He ruined our credit so he could get the upper hand. He refused to save any money as he didn't want me to benefit in any way. He refuses to carry life insurance as he does not want me benefitting from his death. He think it will be funny when he dies and I get stuck with a bunch of bills.

Why oh why don't I just walk out the door and never come back?

2002-07-24T10:30:00.000-04:00

Still isn't working but you can go to properties and cut and paste the link and you should be able to see it.

2002-07-24T10:29:00.000-04:00

Well it seems it didn't work. I will try again.

2002-07-24T10:27:00.000-04:00

Ok here it is. A picture of how I used to look before I gained all this weight.

2002-07-24T10:11:00.000-04:00

Now my son keeps bugging me to get on the computer. Sigh.

Diet

What would it mean? Ok I am going for it again. I know I know I have failed probably 30 times or so trying to lose this weight. Something happens to trigger my bad habits and binge eating then I gain the few pounds I lost back and feel like dog poo again.

Then I think about famous inventors who tried thousands of times to do something or create something and thousands of times, it didn't work but they kept trying. So I will keep trying. In the face of this negative environment, I will push on and laugh.
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I so want to look how I used to look. I really want it bad! I do!!!!! If I can figure out how to post a pic, I will post a pic of how I used to look. But not my head or face because I wish to remain anonymous but heck no one would ever figure it out anyway because I look so different now.

2002-07-24T10:06:00.000-04:00

About the vacation, husband has just ignored it. I guess we are not going so I am cancelling the reservations again. Another disappointment.

I wonder if that is an alcoholic trait to not ever plan anything until the last moment? Meaning like a day or two before the event.

Over the weekend he said we could go camping this weekend. My birthday is coming up soon. And it is a milestone birthday. So now it is Wednesday and I keep asking him about the camping trip so I can make a reservation and he just keeps putting me off. He says can't you see we are in a recession? Well frankly, I don't think a camping trip is going to break the bank. After all we never go anywhere or do anything. Plus the recession certainly isn't hurting his drinking or gambling funds.

So once again, I have to wait until the last minute to see if we are going or not.

I find this constant hope building and disappointment one of most abusive things of all.

I mean it is not fair to go through life having no fun.

You know, maybe I have not been writing here lately because it really gets my anger going.

Ok speaking of recession. When the economy was flying we STILL did not go anywhere or do anything. We did not take any vacations. We did not go out to dinner. I seldom got any new clothes. I mean my tennis shoes and I have one pair are 6 years old and I paid for them from my job.

But back to the constant disappointments. It is depressing and it also makes me think why bother why try at all because I will just fail or I won't get to do it anyway.

Seriously that is what it makes me feel like.

2002-07-24T09:51:00.000-04:00

Hello! It has been a couple of weeks since I have written. Thanks for the comments! I really appreciate them. What has been going on?

Not much. Things have been relatively calm here. I am starting my diet and exercise agan today. I is weird when I am in deep depression I don't remember a whole lot. Like the past three weeks, I don't remember much about them. I know I made more glass and sold some. Just did the usual things that I do.

I appreciate being called strong and smart. Around here I feel weak and dumb. But you know, that is probably what my husband wants me to see myself as.

Other people see me much much differently than I see myself. Like when I was working for a company, they thought I was the greatest thing since sliced cheese. I always felt like a fake and surely they were talking about someone else.

To me, at that job, I felt very incompetent like I had no idea what I was doing. I felt really dumb.

Maybe those are the main things me feeling dumb and not capable.

I look at my grades from college. My grades do not reflect my view of being dumb. I mean I had a 3.94 GPA. When I look at it, it says no you aren't dumb. You must be pretty smart. You are capable.

But at home, my husband constantly tells me how worthless I am and stupid I am that I am clueless to the real world and that I need to wake up to reality.

I tell him that he is fine one to talk. I mean after all, HE is the one who can't get through life without medicating himself every single day with alcohol!

2002-07-04T18:26:00.000-04:00

We are supposed to go on a vacation a little less than a month from now. I wonder if we will even get to go? He does that. I make these plans and he agrees to them and then he waits until the last minute to do anything. It is very disappointing to the kids to be promised to go a certain place and then we end up not going at all because of his procrastination.

Tomorrow morning, when he isn't drunk, I will ask him if we are still going. I have the room reserved and everything.

Oh a little note to those living with or married to an abusive or alcoholic person. Leave! They never get any better and if you have kids, no matter what YOU do, they kids are harmed by it and they will resent you later on. At the first sign, leave. I assure you that each year you stay and put up with it, it only gets worse.

I have learned something from putting up with alcoholic and abuse for nearly 20 years. It isn't worth it. I have received no benefit at all from staying and the kids have received no benefit from me staying. Never ever put up with someone treating you badly. Yes, they really do mean it. No, they really aren't sorry for what they do and there is a 100% gaurantee they will do it again. No, you can't change them. No, loving them more won't make it better. It just kills me to see women who really think if they just love him enough that he wil change. The guy becomes a fixer upper project and she is hell bent on saving him so she twists and turns herself inside out trying to please him, and the years go by and she ends up losing her self and her self respect and he never did change and it is 30 years later and she wasted 30 years of her life on a creep. So, if a partner is treating you like crap, leave!

2002-07-04T18:16:00.000-04:00

Then I listen to the taunts and put downs. He will say how much did you make this week? Can't you support yourself? Obviously you can't. Your glass is a joke and a waste of time. That is what he tells me. You know, that is what he tells me whenever I do something new or try to improve myself. Then when I succeed, he acts like he was soooo supportive all along. Then in public, he will brag about what I do and disparage me in private. I will succeed in spite of him but it would be so much easier to have a supportive spouse instead of a jealous enemy spouse.

2002-07-04T18:12:00.000-04:00

Oh what is he doing now? Since he started drinking about 9am this morning, he passed out in bed about 1pm. He is still asleep.

So I have only made just a few glass pieces in the past 2 weeks. I will have a little income this week but not much. I want to discipline myself so much. I want so bad to just work work work and ignore the interruptions. Then after the fights, there is the depression and I practically have to put a stick of dynomite under my ass to force myself to make something.

2002-07-04T18:09:00.000-04:00

I have asked myself bluntly if all the constant chaos makes me try harder and after some thought, I would say no. I am much more energized in a peaceful environment.

My wrist is sore and bruised. After the last fight, he grabbed and pinched my wrist on the bone so hard that it is sore. I will make him pay thought. I will buy books with his credit card.

When he hurts me, I get him back that way. I ignore him and do a housework strike and I buy myself something, mostly books because he hates books and I love books.

I really need a few new glass tools and I may just order them with his credit card.

2002-07-04T18:05:00.000-04:00

It is like, they don't seem satisfied unless they have caused me to step back and get off track. Sabotage. But it is odd how they can just return to normal the very next day. He gets up and leaves for work like nothing happened. It doesn't affect him at all. Actually I think the fights energize him and they drain me.

2002-07-04T18:02:00.000-04:00

Happy 4th! It has been a little while since I blogged!

I am contemplating changing my entire life. I don't think anything less than a total complete change will do. Why? Other people interferring with my lampwork obsession.

That is a frequent topic on my blog. My unsupportive environment.

It just seems that there is alway someone causing major chaos around here that disrupts my work. Funny how it never disrupts their work.

2002-06-27T08:55:00.000-04:00

I started on my diet and exercise program a few days ago and have been doing really well with it. I have lost 3 pounds so far! Yipee! Well I have to go and will write more later.

2002-06-27T08:54:00.000-04:00

Hello! I haven't had a chance to write for a few days. I am really behind on everything. I took the weekend off and didn't make anything Monday or Tuesday either. Then yesterday there was a family emergency and I only had made a couple of pieces before I had to leave and tend to the emergency. I have to ship some things today too.

2002-06-22T18:39:00.000-04:00

Today was a pretty peaceful uneventful day! That is good!

I am busy putting up new auctions. I think I will sell anything I don't use. That should raise money to get out of here.

2002-06-22T10:07:00.000-04:00

Saturday, already. The week just flew by. I spent most of last night trolling on message boards. I have got to stop doing that. Or maybe not. I am a pretty bad troll.

Husband left for work and didn't say a word to me. Thank God! I certainly did not want to listen to anymore of his rants and insults.

I think I am getting up my nerve to just walk out. F a plan F the money just leave!

I mean really it goes round and round and round. It is like he has some sixth sense that I am planning to leave so he is nice to me for a little while just long enough to back down.

I could have saved money enough to leave but I ended up spending it on necessities like food and clothing and things for the kid. My teen is very expensive. He wears $200 tennis shows and I wear $7 payless shoes that I got more than a year ago.

I really really could have saved money to leave. I worked at the regular job for a long time. I have never been good at saving money. I could hav just saved 4 or 5 paychecks and left. But I didn't! I bought a new torch. I bought more glass. But my husband never buys anything for me ever except when he has to at Christmas. I feel so deprived all the time. I am deprived. I have no love or support or affection from my husband. None. I am deprived so maybe buying a few things makes me feel a little bit better.

I am taking the day off today. Have no idea what I am going to do. Maybe work on my web page. I am flat broke so I am not going anywhere.

I have been in this hellish marriage so long that I am not sure how I would act once I got out. I know I am just very tired and worn out.

2002-06-21T23:44:00.000-04:00

I was going to put a real voting poll up but it is late and I will do it tomorrow. You can just vote in the comments section.

2002-06-21T23:35:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I just wonder how I got trapped in such a mess? I could just sell everything that I own and get in my car and leave. Sell all my glass equipment and other things.

I can't say I am too good at holding down a regular office type job because I get bored so easily and I have trouble concentrating and remebering things. Maybe I should just check into a nut house?

I can't believe that I have stayed here so long when I am so miserable and let myself become trapped in a marriage I can't stand. He would never have enough compassion to end it or give me some money to make a new start. I let this idiot destroy my life.

Yes I am feeling really sorry for myself.

My son likes to pop his mouth off at me too like his Dad does. Gee I wonder where he learned it from dear ol dad.

I hate writing abou this. I hate living like this.

It seems no matter how hard I work or try to save money to leave, something happens and I have to spend the money and am back to square one. Which of course he knows this so that is why he has cut me off financially. Someone told me is is called financial abuse because they won't share the money and they keep it all to themselves to keep control over the other person.

Well that does sound about right because if I have no money, I can't leave.

So what do you think? Post in the comments should I just sell everything and leave? Something else? Stay and put up with it?

2002-06-21T23:26:00.000-04:00

So today I realized that my sales money didn't go into the bank account fast enough and I had bounced 2 checks! Great so now I have to pay nearly $60 in bounce check fees! Naturally the deposit cleared the day after the checks bounce! It seems like it is taking longer and longer for deposits to show up in my account. Even if I put cash in, it doesn't show up until the next day which is stupid.

So I will pay for my mistake with part of this week's income and be more careful not to let it happen again.

2002-06-21T23:23:00.000-04:00

I am taking the weekend off to do something fun with my son if I can. Oh joy my drunk husband is in the bedroom slamming things around because he is ticked off.

He is always ticked off about something. Sometimes I come across on here as pretty miserable but I think he is about 10 times more miserable than I am. Plus he is a drunk and takes his bad moods out on his family and I just write about my bad moods on the internet mostly. Sometimes I do yell but it takes a lot to get me going. I think that is the difference.

Like tonight, I come downstairs and sit with him and he just starts bitching and griping at me. Then it gets to a fight and he starts with the insults and calling me names.

Ok Ok let me be straight up with you. He is a mean rotten sob who makes most every day a living hell. I am sugar coating it trying to make it look just a little bad but it is really bad.

Now this is really fair. I am being punished because last year I tried t leave him. So when I come back, he has closed out our joint bank account. This was last year and we still have separate bank accounts which he does not give me any money. I have to support myself.

So this is my punishment. He just came out of the bedroom telling me to sleep somewhere else. I say, who cares!

So what kind of marriage is this anyway where my husband makes most of the money and he is stingy and keeps all the money himself and it is such a big ass secret?

It isn't marriage. It is a prison.

So here I am trying to make money with my art and today he jumps down my throat saying I had better start producing or I would have to go get a real job or he would destroy my art studio! Now really what kind of supposedly loving spouse talks and acts like that?

He is just trying to cause me to fail. I think he is jealous so he just needles me, picks on me, rides my ass, and on and on trying to make me quit or fail so he can say oooo look what a loser you are. Really~!

2002-06-21T23:12:00.000-04:00

Hello! Couldn't post much today as my internet service was out much of the day. I saw livejourna from someone elses journal and I may switch to that one as it has features that I like better on it.

Today was a moderately productive day. I got all the work done for a glass swap I am involved in. I had procrastinated until the last day and I had several more pieces left to make. I made them first today and good thing I did because I ran out of oxygen right in the middle of a piece! That was weird. The propane flame was just flopping around and I am like ok now what? I just put it in the kiln and when I took it out I really liked the colors so I will make another one and finish it when I have more oxygen.

2002-06-20T20:47:00.000-04:00

Some day I wonder what it would be like to be an artist with a totally supportive family? I wonder, does that even exist for anyone? I hear some say how wonderful their spouses are but I am skeptical about it. If it is true, I wish it could be true for me too. I wonder what it would be like to create in a loving environment and not a battle zone.

It is funny that no matter what type of art I was creating whether it was drawing, painting, sculpture; people would tell me how cheerful my work is. LOL! I wonder how I produce livey cheerful art when I am so sad and lonely inside? A somewhat depressed and tortured artist.

I am finding that I am very impatient with myself. I work hard and I want to know everything right now. I put the hours in to learn and grow in my craft but I want it to come faster. I bet 3 years from now I will look back and see how far I have come. 10 years from now I will be famous!

2002-06-20T20:42:00.000-04:00

It has been a very quiet day! That is good! My glass is out of the kiln and a few pieces were messed up because I had turned the kiln up on high to heat it up faster and forgot so here it was around 1700 degrees and a few things sagged out of shape! LOL! Oh well I still have enough to put up tomorrow to sell.

I got tons of feedback today from my auctions. Very pleased with that. I joined a group that allows advertising and for some unknown reason I got a tapped by the leader of the group. The seal of approval.

People keep telling me how beautiful my glass is and that I am a gifted artist but somhow I doubt it. I find it hard to believe. Maybe I feel that if I believe it to be true, it will go away.

2002-06-20T17:08:00.000-04:00

They say that people gradually change over the years that if you start out being a loud mouth jerk that later in life you mellow out and if you started out as a people pleasing doormat, you stand your ground and sometimes piss people off.

When I was young, I was so afraid of hurting someone's feelings that I would never speak up or stand up for myself. Now that I am older, I am getting to the point of just saying what I want to say. I don't know if that is good or bad or right or wrong. It is just what I am doing right now.

Now don't go thinking that I am some raging asshole all the time stepping on others. No, it isn't like that. I still bite my tongue and turn the other cheeck the majority of the time. I find that others lash out with nasty sharp tongues much faster than I do.

2002-06-20T17:03:00.000-04:00

Well well well the kiln is ramping down! Today turned out to be a decent day where I wasn't bothered.

I did get into an argument on a bulletin board when I stated I thought cheating on your spouse was wrong and naturally the hag that was thinking about cheating on her spouse tried to rip me a new one saying I was being judgmental. Judgmental? Who gives a rat's ass! We are all judgmental! We all make judgements every day about what we like and dislike.

She was just ticked off because I stated my opinion about cheating and it didn't agree with hers. I didn't even mention her name. But she came back with personal attacks and insults. If it had been usenet, I would have ripped her a new one. Maybe I will make up a fake id and log in and attack her. hee hee hee Yeah I am like that!

2002-06-20T10:22:00.000-04:00

Here it is Thursday! I am feeling better today. Getting ready to get started working on my glass. Turned the kiln on.

It is amazing how many dumb mistakes you can make when you are distracted or upset. Like forgetting to turn my kiln on until I was done making something. Thank goodness it was small so I just put it in a ceramic blanket to cool. Now I am ramping up my kiln to anneal it before I start on my other projects.

When I took my pieces out of the kiln this morning, I was really pleased. Sometimes I think oh this is going to suck because when you are making it you can't really tell exactly what it will look like until it is completely cool because the colors of the glass are so different when it is hot.

So I was pleased with my work even though I didn't get to make as much as I wanted to make.

2002-06-19T19:53:00.000-04:00

Glass:

I got more fan mail today telling me that I am a gifted artist! Wow that is so cool getting fan mail. Maybe one day I really will be a famous artist and not realize that I am famous. You think this is possible? How do you know when you are famous?

What I should do is print out the fan mail and hang it up in my studio. Gotta go interruption number 2,563.

2002-06-19T19:44:00.000-04:00

Thoughts About Retirement:

Today with my husband being home for half the day, I got thinking about what it would be like having him home all day long after he retires. Frankly, I think I would go stark raving mad. *Note: maybe I am already mad and just don't realize it!*

Really, he has no hobbies except for drinking and cleaning and the days that he is off from work, he starts drinking early in the morning and stops when he passes out in the afternoon. Can I see myself being home with him every day, him always being drunk and staggering around.

Son interrupts me again!!!! He starts yelling Mom up the stairs and I say what but he won't tell me what and then I go downstairs and he tells me the pizza is done but it can't be because I just put it in the oven 10 minutes ago!

Back to the retirement thing. You are probably thinking man this lady is a loser marrying a moronic falling down drunk. Well when you are young, you think it is cool to drink all the time and party. But then as you get older, you are supposed to grow up and not be drunk all the time and well I grew up and he didn't. I guess I never expected my husband to be drunk all the time. I assumed he would have enough sense to know when to stop. He doesn't! LOL!

So retirement will come and I really can't see myself being with him all day long every day. Right now the only reason I can tolerate him is because he is a workaholic. He works 6 days a week so that is good for me!

2002-06-19T19:35:00.000-04:00

I did manage to get some work done today. Not as much as I wanted to. I am not sure why life has to be so difficult or the people who are supposed to love you, meaning my family, does everything they can to make problems for me.

My sales are doing better this week. I think I am getting a formula for steady sales. So if I can't be a glass super star, I can deal with steady sales.

Husband came home early today to help me. He helped me a little until he got drunk an passed out.

2002-06-19T12:24:00.000-04:00

HA HA HA! I have still not got to work yet! The day is wasted!

The joke is on me as usual.

Once again the kid starts pestering me bright and early and then I have to listen to his insults. He did say what the real deal was. Get this. My old job, I hated so much. It made me sick, but it paid pretty good. Since I have become a glass worker, there is less money to spend on the kid's $200 tennis shoes and video games and junk so he isn't too happy about it.
So he told me he didn't think I should do glass work and that he didn't like it.

Maybe I should run away! I think I am going to have to put my foot down and cure this blatent disrespect problem

I can find a whole slew of chores for the kid to do so he won't have time to bug me or insult me.

2002-06-19T08:17:00.000-04:00

I just added a comment section. Hopefully it will work. Doesn't look like it is working correctly as there is only one comment link on the very bottom of the page. Sheesh! Ok trying again! More testing! Wow looks like I finally did it! I am not a total code idiot after all!

2002-06-19T07:41:00.000-04:00

Envy:

I am going to try using a little html to format my writing as I really don't want my posts all crammed together.

Please excuse the typos, it is still early.

Some of these other people who make glass, I swear are so good and I feel a little envious of them when an hour after they post their glass for sale, boom...they have lots of bidders fighting over their stuff and the prices are in the hundreds within hours.

I am very happy they get top dollar. That also means that it is possible for me to get top dollar too. I just have to figure out the key.

For once in my life, I just want to be the best at something!!

Can anyone out there relate to that?

People say well it takes years. Then why is it that one person who has been making glass for less than a year had instant fame?

Then there are those who get famous on hype rather than true ability. I mean there glass it nice but it ain't anything outstanding. Why are they making tons of money and famous and others who make far better glass work not making a lot of money or have the fame?

So what am I going to do about it? I am going to work hard every day and make the best glass pieces. I will practice and improve. Then I gotta figure out how to get a buzz going about my glass. So that is my basic plan for fame and fortune in just a few sentences.

2002-06-19T07:31:00.000-04:00

Fan Mail: I really like fan mail and now that I am selling my glass work online, I get some fan mail several times a week. It is really nice! I get people asking me for advice. Yes ME! They are asking ME for advice.

You know, there are some glass artists out there I really really love so I may write some fan mail to them. Do you have anyone you want to write fan mail too? I say go for it!

So many times people are quick to jump and gripe and complain about things but not really speak out about good things.

I am going to write some fan mail today.

2002-06-19T07:28:00.000-04:00

He tells me, "You just want sympathy from me." Well duh! He is my husband! He is supposed to care about it when my feelings are hurt and the world is dumping on me. I do it for him!

Then he says, "You want so badly for me to tell you that your feelings are right, but I won't do that."

Umm excuse me but I think that since I am the one feeling my feelings that my feeling are right! I mean after all they are MY feelings not anyone elses. I mean come on who goes around saying, "Oh by the way, your feelings are wrong!"

That is silly.

But hey I am used to it. I think most of my life I have had someone telling me that my thoughts, feelings, wants, and desires were always wrong.

2002-06-19T07:25:00.000-04:00

Here it is bright and early Wednesday morning. Just got about half cup of coffee in me so I am still prett sleepy. I look at other people's blogs and wonder how they put pictures up and how they got a comment section. I will have to check out the message boards and help to see how I can do these things.

My husband tried to steal my bad mood yesterday. He came home from work an hour early and was trying to be in a worse mood and more ticked off than I was. I hate when he does that. I mean damn I am usually in a pleasant mood most of the time and the few times I want to be in a rotten pissed off mood, he tries to out do me.

I just flat out told him to stop tryng to top my bad mood. I guess no one in the house is allowed to be upset or angry but him.

2002-06-18T17:22:00.000-04:00

Maybe I will just go troll somewhere for awhile. Didn't tell you I was a bulletin board troll did I? Pretty funny eh? There happen to be qutie a few trolls who are Grandmas on the web. :-)

2002-06-18T17:17:00.000-04:00

I called it a day already for today. I did finish up a few things but didn't make any new glass work for today. So I am running my kiln cycle.

I went to my auction feedback page today and saw that a few days ago some jerk left me a retaliatory negative feedback. I left the jerk a negative because he didn't pay for the item! I wish I would have checked his feedback before the auction ended as he had 8 negatives and 6 neutral feedbacks all for non payment. He claimed he sent payment but I never received it and he didn't seem at all concerned about payment being lost in the mail. He just said he couldn't afford to send another payment meaning he wasn't going to pay for the item. What a load of crap!

Then I talk to my daughter on the phone today. Her dead beat boyfriend quit his job again. I mean he works for his Dad so he has got it easy. He has tried working other jobs but nobody will put up with his sorry lazy ass. So now my daughter is working while he lays around all day long.

What I am really upset about is that my grandson's birthday is coming up soon and I am not invited to his party. I guess that is because of the lazy dead beat whacko boyfriend.

Needless to say, my feelings are hurt.

Moral of the story. Don't have kids. When they are little, they step on your toes. When they are big, they step on your heart. :-(

Then as if all this hell today wasn't enough fun for just one day, my husband had to be a total clod. I needed to talk to someone and I was telling him about the auction things and my daughter and he says coldly, well quit complaining to me about it. Gee thanks understanding hubby! Sarcasm.

So my few hours of happiness is gone for now and I am back to wishing I lived in a cave.

2002-06-18T12:06:00.000-04:00

I am wondering how this headache will ever go away. I normally like Slim Shady but this morning the pounding is pounding in my head.

2002-06-18T12:00:00.000-04:00

Good Morning! Off to a late start again today. Have a sinus headache. Didn't have any tylenol so had to make a trip to the store.

Kiln is heating up and I am waiting for my headache to go away.

The glass I made yesterday turned out very nice! The first piece I made was not shaped well but I can call that a warm up piece. It is going to be hot here today. Then with the kiln on, it will be even hotter.

I started my diet today. I found this book called the 90/10 and it actually had recipes for things I would eat. I hate the diet books that have such strange recipes for things your would never eat or that has really expensive ingredients.

I found another book that is a weight loss journal book but I will have to order it from Amazon as the bookstore here didn't have it and they said it woud take 4 - 6 weeks to get it in. So maybe if I post a little about my weight loss it will keep me honest about it as I know people are reading this.

Well off to plan what I am going to make for the day.

2002-06-17T21:44:00.000-04:00

Well just turned off the torch. I ended up having a pretty good day after such a lousy start. Made several pieces to sell and I was actually pleased with them. We will see how they look tomorrow when the kiln cools down.

I went to the Jazzercise web site to see if there was a class close by and there is! So tomorrow or the next day I plan to stop by and try a class. Why Jazzercise? I have always loved to dance and dancing is less like working out to me than say running or other types of exercise. What is weird is that I love to train with weights and I love hiking but I seldom do either. What I think is that I have fallen into some bad slothful habits that I need to break.

Over on the beadmaker forum they were having a cow about someone wanting someone else to make evil eye beads. I read most of the glass forums but never post. Anyway, just because one person makes eye beads doesn't mean someone else can't make them.

Husband is home from work now so see you tomorrow.

2002-06-17T15:54:00.000-04:00

Oh I almost forgot. I am sitting here stuffing my face with jalapeno poppers and drinking chocolate mils. Really nutricious lunch! Not! I stopped by the grocery store on the way back home to pick up a few things for the kids.

As I was leaving, one of my son's friend's Mom was pulling in the lot across from me. The boy asked if my son was with me and I said no. I saw his Mom and I felt like such a big ugly fat ass. She is probably the same age as me but is fairly thin and had nice blonde hair piled up on top of her head. Here I am a big fat ass wearing raggedly sweat pants, hair barely combed tied with a rubber band, and I wasn't even wearing my false teeth! I really should wear them but they don't fit well and they annoy me.

Yes I have tried and tried to lose weight and it is so hard. I will start eating healthier foods and drinking just water and no soda pop for a few days and then boom, me and the hubby get into some god awlful fight and I eat to soothe my hurt feelings. It is a viscious cycle that goes round and round. Or else I am trying to eat healthy and he buys the most horrible fattening food at the grocery, like corn dogs, frozen pot pies, and just yucky garbage food.

Well one of these days I will lose the weight. When me and hubby met, I was a swimsuit model so I imagine I would still be pretty good looking if I lost the weight even at my age.

I think I just need someone to help me and encourage me.

Well enough yapping, I had better get my torch fired up and make something.

2002-06-17T15:42:00.000-04:00

Here it is Monday and I have wasted most of the day. I worked for about an hour this morning before I ran out of oxygen. So I had to stop and drive up and get the oxygen plus had to pack up orders to take to the post office to mail.

I am wondering if I should get my son a babysitter because he bothers me when I am trying to work. Sometimes it really hurts my feelings. I just bite my tongue because he is only 15 and teenagers can be pretty obnoxious. He gets mad if I won't immediately jump when he wants something and so he starts with the Mom all you do all day is sit around all day and do nothing. Then I say I am working. I don't want to be bothered.

When I got there, the line was long. So I stood there and waited and waited.

I get up to the counter and it is the same grouchy woman who usually waits on me.

Days like today, I just feel like quitting. Don't worry too much because I get like this a lot. I feel like my glass work sucks and that I get absolutely no respect for what I do from my family.

But you know it is always like that with them. Demanding all the time. I have a slow sales week and my husband starts riding my ass putting the pressure on me to make money. Make money or go get a real job.

Artists seldom get any respect.

2002-06-16T20:53:00.000-04:00

Greetings!

Some lampworkers have a journal associated with their web site. I thought about doing this but what is the point? Since I sell my lampwork from my web site, I could never put a journal up that truly reflects my feelings for the day or week without having to censor or modify my thoughts. Sugar coated journals are not for me.

So I created this blog, Anonymous Lampworker, to post how I really feel day to day about things without fear of being looked down on for my honest feelings.

That is what this blog/journal will be about.

Anon